How can I deal with
MY ANGER?
How can I deal with
MY ANGER?
How can I deal with
MY ANGER?
There is much more that can be said about living in peace with those around us and about dealing with our anger. You can find more in-depth Bible teaching at discoveryseries.org. It’s also important to talk to your church leaders or other Christian friends if you are struggling with anger. It’s essential that we don’t face our struggles alone, but have fellow Christians to pray with us and encourage us as we rely on God to make us more like Jesus every day.
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How can I deal with my anger?
This short booklet is intended to help us sort out some of the issues of anger. No matter what our anger looks like or how justified it may sometimes feel, it has the potential to damage us and those around us. This booklet won’t answer every question you might have about anger. The subject is far too vast and individual. But this introduction will hopefully provide a starting point for thinking about what anger is, where it comes from and some of the ways we can learn to deal with it.
We often think of anger as being explosive and aggressive. When it hits, it can feel like an inner fire. We see red and feel hot and sweaty. Our stomach churns, our blood pressure rises and we prepare to do some serious damage to whoever’s responsible for our pain. At other times we keep our anger locked up inside, burying it deep and hoping it will go away. That response to anger results in a silence that can isolate us from the people around us.
As we live in a world of conflict, misunderstandings and messy relationships, there are many triggers that can push us to angry responses. Is it possible that, though appropriate at some times, our anger could be very dangerous at other times? How can we know when anger is right or wrong? How can we be wiser in our responses to life’s triggers?
How can we know
when anger is
right or wrong?
There is much more that can be said about living in peace with those around us and about dealing with our anger. You can find more in-depth Bible teaching at discoveryseries.org. It’s also important to talk to your church leaders or other Christian friends if you are struggling with anger. It’s essential that we don’t face our struggles alone, but have fellow Christians to pray with us and encourage us as we rely on God to make us more like Jesus every day.
When is anger good?
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Tell God about your anger
First things first. We can’t pretend that we don’t get angry. We all do. Don’t water down that anger by labelling it as ‘frustration’ or ‘irritation’. Call it what it is. We must be honest with ourselves and with God. He knows anyway (Heb. 4:12-13) and He cares for us deeply (1 Peter 5:7). We should speak to Him openly and tell Him what we are feeling.
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A Tell God you want to change when your anger is wrong
Repentance means to change from doing things my way to instead obeying and following God. When we react to things with self-centred anger, we need to admit this to God. As we’ve already seen, the motivation behind our anger is often our determination to serve and protect ourselves, rather than pursuing His concerns and the needs of others. This is why we need to ask for His forgiveness and seek His leading in situations that make us angry.
Thankfully, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, we can be confident that God will forgive us when we say sorry for our self-centred anger. As we better understand the nature of God’s forgiveness (that Christ has paid for all our outbursts of rage and bitter feelings), it will become easier and more natural for us to want to also forgive others as we allow God to change us by His Spirit within us.
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A Trust God with your anger
Handling our anger isn’t just a ‘one-time’ agreement with God. We will need to rely on God every day to help our anger change from a self-centred thing to a God-centred thing. This will not happen overnight. It will take time. But God understands and promises to be with us every step of the way.
Part of this change may involve saying sorry to the people we have hurt or pushed away with our anger. This is a hard thing to do, but it is also a part of relying on God rather than ourselves. When we are confident that we belong to God and are resting in Him, we no longer need to hide from others and put up our anger-shields. Instead we can be humble and look out for others, rather than pushing them away.
![]()
Trust God with how to express your anger
God promises that as we spend time with Him, getting to know Him through reading the Bible and talking with Him, He will transform us (Rom. 12:1-2). This means that our anger, along with every part of our character, will start to reflect God’s heart. We will join Him in being angry at sin and its effects.
As Christ lives in us and we become more like Him, our anger will not result in us defending our rights or putting others down, but in helping us and those around us leave selfish, painful life-choices behind. Our anger at the pain of this world will produce a grief in us that will make us want to tell those we meet about Jesus and the new life He offers.
![]()
Take your time
King David, who endured much pain during his life, said, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still” (Psalm 4:4). If we feel angry, we need to make space and time to talk with God about whether we’re angry for the right reasons. This is particularly true when we have been personally offended. Swallowing the instinct to instantly explode at someone who bad-mouths us will probably hurt to start with; but it is important that the first thing we do with our anger is bring it quickly to God before we do something we may later regret.
There is no definitive guide about when to challenge others, how to speak to them lovingly but truthfully, or how to defend someone we feel has been mistreated. This is why we need to make sure we don’t simply rely on our instincts alone. Our emotions can be easily led astray, so we need to bring each situation and person to God in prayer. The Bible encourages us to “live peaceably with all men” and leave all “vengeance” to God (Rom. 12:18-19). We can do that by relying on Him to change our hearts and attitudes by His Holy Spirit.
It might also be helpful to ask ourselves some reflective questions when we come before God in anger: What exactly am I angry about? Is my anger helping show people the concerns, love and salvation of Jesus? Should I speak to someone about this or should I trust the matter to God? Is my anger hurting or helping others?
How can we handle our anger?
Since God, who is perfect, experiences anger, then we don’t need to feel guilty about anger in and of itself. What matters is whether our anger comes from the same concerns that cause God to be angry. Here are some helpful ways to test and handle our anger:
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What makes God’s anger different?
As we have already seen, our anger is often an immediate reaction against things that don’t go our way. By contrast, the Bible makes it clear that God is slow to anger (Ex. 34:6-7; Psalm 103:8; Jonah 4:2). And, because He loves us, His anger is stirred by whatever brings harm to those He has made in His own image; things like poverty, injustice and bullying. He hates to see people suffer. That makes Him angry
And what makes God most angry is the cause of these things: our sin. We see what God’s anger looks like in the Person of Jesus. While on earth, Jesus got angry with the Jewish religious leaders (Matt. 23). Why? He was angry with them because instead of leading the people in mercy, kindness and truth, they were primarily serving themselves. They weren’t helping others to find God; instead they were making up complicated rules to keep the people in line and make themselves look good.
God’s anger isn’t simply about Himself or His honour. It comes from His desire for all of us to know Him and enjoy a personal relationship with Him. When we make our own selfish desires more important, we miss out on His personal love, care and compassion. We end up lost and alone. And this makes God angry; it is not how He created us to live. His anger is not the opposite of His love, but an extension of it. How can He tolerate the things in our lives which distance us from Him or hurt the people around us?
If we love God and love the people He has created, we should resonate with His anger against anything that stands between Him and His rescuing love for those around us.
![]()
What does God’s anger look like?
God’s anger against all that separates us from Him is totally opposite to the anger we often express! Rather than taking His anger out on others, He took the pain and wrong of our anger on Himself. In an act of amazing self-sacrifice, Jesus gave up His life in our place. He chose to take on our failings, selfishness, guilt and shame. God accepted the death of Jesus as the “finished” payment for our sin (John 19:30) and Jesus’ resurrection became our invitation to a new, forgiven life with Him. One example of this might be Zacchaeus (the full story is in Luke 19).
Even though Zacchaeus was a despised tax collector who exploited people by overcharging them on their taxes, Jesus invited him into a relationship, saying “today I must stay at your house” (v. 5). After spending time together, Jesus declared that Zaccheus was a changed man, affirming, “Today salvation has come to this house” (v. 9).
Why did the religious leaders receive indignation from Jesus for their wrongdoing (Matt. 23), yet Zacchaeus, equally guilty of mistreating people, enjoyed Jesus’ company? Simply put, the religious leaders did not repent for their poor treatment of others, whereas Zacchaeus joyfully (v. 6) turned away from his self-absorbed greed! He accepted Jesus’ invitation to a new kind of life where he would imitate Jesus’ generosity and mercy to those in need (v. 8).
So what does this teach us about how we should treat our own anger? And is there ever any room to express these feelings?
![]()
What makes God’s anger different?
As we have already seen, our anger is often an immediate reaction against things that don’t go our way. By contrast, the Bible makes it clear that God is slow to anger (Ex. 34:6-7; Psalm 103:8; Jonah 4:2). And, because He loves us, His anger is stirred by whatever brings harm to those He has made in His own image; things like poverty, injustice and bullying. He hates to see people suffer. That makes Him angry and what makes God most angry is the cause of these things: our sin. We see what God’s anger looks like in the Person of Jesus. While on earth, Jesus got angry with the Jewish religious leaders (Matt. 23). Why? He was angry with them because instead of leading the people in mercy, kindness and truth, they were primarily serving themselves. They weren’t helping others to find God; instead they were making up complicated rules to keep the people in line and make themselves look good.
God’s anger isn’t simply about Himself or His honour. It comes from His desire for all of us to know Him and enjoy a personal relationship with Him. When we make our own selfish desires more important, we miss out on His personal love, care and compassion. We end up lost and alone. And this makes God angry; it is not how He created us to live. His anger is not the opposite of His love, but an extension of it. How can He tolerate the things in our lives which distance us from Him or hurt the people around us?
If we love God and love the people He has created, we should resonate with His anger against anything that stands between Him and His rescuing love for those around us.
![]()
What does God’s anger look like?
God’s anger against all that separates us from Him is totally opposite to the anger we often express! Rather than taking His anger out on others, He took the pain and wrong of our anger on Himself. In an act of amazing self-sacrifice, Jesus gave up His life in our place. He chose to take on our failings, selfishness, guilt and shame. God accepted the death of Jesus as the “finished” payment for our sin (John 19:30) and Jesus’ resurrection became our invitation to a new, forgiven life with Him. One example of this might be Zacchaeus (the full story is in Luke 19).
Even though Zacchaeus was a despised tax collector who exploited people by overcharging them on their taxes, Jesus invited him into a relationship, saying “today I must stay at your house” (v. 5). After spending time together, Jesus declared that Zaccheus was a changed man, affirming, “Today salvation has come to this house” (v. 9).
Why did the religious leaders receive indignation from Jesus for their wrongdoing (Matt. 23), yet Zacchaeus, equally guilty of mistreating people, enjoyed Jesus’ company? Simply put, the religious leaders did not repent for their poor treatment of others, whereas Zacchaeus joyfully (v. 6) turned away from his self-absorbed greed! He accepted Jesus’ invitation to a new kind of life where he would imitate Jesus’ generosity and mercy to those in need (v. 8).
So what does this teach us about how we should treat our own anger? And is there ever any room to express these feelings?
![]()
Tell God about your anger
First things first. We can’t pretend that we don’t get angry. We all do. Don’t water down that anger by labelling it as ‘frustration’ or ‘irritation’. Call it what it is. We must be honest with ourselves and with God. He knows anyway (Heb. 4:12-13) and He cares for us deeply (1 Peter 5:7). We should speak to Him openly and tell Him what we are feeling.
![]()
Tell God you want to change when your anger is wrong
Repentance means to change from doing things my way to instead obeying and following God. When we react to things with self-centred anger, we need to admit this to God. As we’ve already seen, the motivation behind our anger is often our determination to serve and protect ourselves, rather than pursuing His concerns and the needs of others. This is why we need to ask for His forgiveness and seek His leading in situations that make us angry.
Thankfully, because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, we can be confident that God will forgive us when we say sorry for our self-centred anger. As we better understand the nature of God’s forgiveness (that Christ has paid for all our outbursts of rage and bitter feelings), it will become easier and more natural for us to want to also forgive others as we allow God to change us by His Spirit within us.
![]()
Trust God with your anger
Handling our anger isn’t just a ‘one-time’ agreement with God. We will need to rely on God every day to help our anger change from a self-centred thing to a God-centred thing. This will not happen overnight. It will take time. But God understands and promises to be with us every step of the way.
Part of this change may involve saying sorry to the people we have hurt or pushed away with our anger. This is a hard thing to do, but it is also a part of relying on God rather than ourselves. When we are confident that we belong to God and are resting in Him, we no longer need to hide from others and put up our anger-shields. Instead we can be humble and look out for others, rather than pushing them away.
![]()
Trust God with how to express your anger
God promises that as we spend time with Him, getting to know Him through reading the Bible and talking with Him, He will transform us (Rom. 12:1-2). This means that our anger, along with every part of our character, will start to reflect God’s heart. We will join Him in being angry at sin and its effects.
As Christ lives in us and we become more like Him, our anger will not result in us defending our rights or putting others down, but in helping us and those around us leave selfish, painful life-choices behind. Our anger at the pain of this world will produce a grief in us that will make us want to tell those we meet about Jesus and the new life He offers.
![]()
Take your time
King David, who endured much pain during his life, said, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still” (Psalm 4:4). If we feel angry, we need to make space and time to talk with God about whether we’re angry for the right reasons. This is particularly true when we have been personally offended. Swallowing the instinct to instantly explode at someone who bad-mouths us will probably hurt to start with; but it is important that the first thing we do with our anger is bring it quickly to God before we do something we may later regret.
There is no definitive guide about when to challenge others, how to speak to them lovingly but truthfully, or how to defend someone we feel has been mistreated. This is why we need to make sure we don’t simply rely on our instincts alone. Our emotions can be easily led astray, so we need to bring each situation and person to God in prayer. The Bible encourages us to “live peaceably with all men” and leave all “vengeance” to God (Rom. 12:18-19). We can do that by relying on Him to change our hearts and attitudes by His Holy Spirit.
It might also be helpful to ask ourselves some reflective questions when we come before God in anger: What exactly am I angry about? Is my anger helping show people the concerns, love and salvation of Jesus? Should I speak to someone about this or should I trust the matter to God? Is my anger hurting or helping others?
When is anger good?
God is slow to anger. He loves us, His anger is stirred by whatever brings harm to those He has made in His own image; things like poverty, injustice, and bullying. He hates to see people suffer.
God has given us our most important work
Our relationships are more important than our tasks
Rest is part of the plan
God is our provider
Our identity is in Jesus
How work became my idol
Just one more email; must make this quick call; missed assemblies; dinner going cold; slipping into bed after midnight to a spouse who has long since given up waiting. Does any of this sound familiar? I feel ashamed when I think about the sadness behind my little boy’s eyes when I said yet again, “Just a minute.” I could equally have said: “You’re not as important as what I’m doing. I’m too busy for you, come back later . . .” I never intended to hurt those I care about, but over a period of six years my family paid the price for my pursuit of a career. It can be a shock when you realise how much your work has taken over. Perhaps this is your realisation too—work has become more pressing than your personal time, your family time and even your quiet times alone with God.
Just one more email; must make this quick call; missed assemblies; dinner going cold; slipping into bed after midnight to a spouse who has long since given up waiting.
Last year, a number of things came together to show me that work had taken God’s place in my life and become the most important thing—the thing which everything else revolves around. What’s more, I had even used the Bible to convince myself that my work/life balance was OK . . . I believed that God had put me in my place of business. And so I wanted to live out this verse in Colossians to its fullest: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (3:23). I now realise that I used this verse to excuse my choices. I ignored the word “whatever” and focused exclusively on the idea of “working”. I would think things like, to work with all my heart means skipping that church meeting; that family dinner; a few hours’ sleep. Even though the verse itself is clearly concerned with how we live the whole of our lives, I twisted it to fit my focus on my work. As far as I was concerned I was shining for the Lord:
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. —Philippians 2:14-15
To shine is to stand out. Oh and how I wanted to shine! I believed that doing the extra hours and going the extra mile would make me stand out in the workplace, and I prayed that my work-based life would lead to opportunities to explain that I was living for God!
Just one more email; must make this quick call; missed assemblies; dinner going cold; slipping into bed after midnight to a spouse who has long since given up waiting. Does any of this sound familiar? It can be a shock when you realise how much your work has taken over. Perhaps this is your realisation too—work has become more pressing than your personal time, your family time and even your quiet times alone with God...
When does work go from good to an idol?
Motivated by praise
Seeking the praise of others is actually a distraction from what God has done for us.
Keeping work in its rightful place
God has given us our most important work
Our relationships are more important than our tasks
Rest is part of the plan
God is our provider
Our identity is in Jesus
Keeping work in its rightful place
It’s been a hard journey—and really one that’s only just begun—but I’m determined to keep work in its rightful place going forwards. I don’t want it to be an idol. I will no doubt be tempted to slip back into old habits, so I have asked my friends and family to keep reminding me of these important truths:
The importance of testing our work/life balance
I’m so glad that I took the time to take stock of my work/life balance. It was painful to look directly at my sin and the permissions I had given myself to mix up my priorities. But the realisation that my motivations had been misaligned with God’s Word helped me to say sorry to God and to my family. In recognising work as my idol, I have lifted my eyes from myself back to God. I am still prayerfully asking for change and transformation in my life as I seek to know God better and keep Him first in all things, especially my work. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I know I can shine for Jesus in all areas of my life. If you’re also wrestling with your work/life balance, then it’s important to take some time out with God, despite the busyness. In fact, if you feel you can’t afford to spend time resting with God, that should be ringing some alarm bells. Maybe you could start to think about your motivations by prayerfully reflecting on these questions:
- Is work the most exciting thing in my life? Would I rather beat a deadline or pace myself so I can rest with God?
- What is it that fills my imagination or day dreams? Is my thought-life revolving around my job?
- When am I most content? What really drives me in my decision making?
- How would my family describe me? What am I known for?
Working long hours is not always a sign of idolatry, nor is it the only possible sign. It’s difficult to measure how much work is an idol by our wage, job titles, promotions or hours; the importance of our work comes from our own hearts. We can check our idolatry by checking our attitudes and motivations.
If work has become all-consuming, it’s important to step back and ask God to help us find out why. There are lots of core needs, alongside money and praise, that can lead to work becoming an idol—ambition, status, a sense of responsibility, wanting achievements . . . Knowing the underlying reasons that make our work so important can help us start to address the balance in our lives and talk to God about how we want to change